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Saturday, October 28th, 2006
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8:42 pm - very randomly
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My love she speaks like silence,
Without ideals or violence,
She doesn't have to say she's faithful,
Yet she's true, like ice, like fire.
People carry roses,
Make promises by the hours,
My love she laughs like the flowers,
Valentines can't buy her.
In the dime stores and bus stations,
People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.
Some speak of the future,
My love she speaks softly,
She knows there's no success like failure
And that failure's no success at all.
The cloak and dagger dangles,
Madams light the candles.
In ceremonies of the horsemen,
Even the pawn must hold a grudge.
Statues made of match sticks,
Crumble into one another,
My love winks, she does not bother,
She knows too much to argue or to judge.
The bridge at midnight trembles,
The country doctor rambles,
Bankers' nieces seek perfection,
Expecting all the gifts that wise men bring.
The wind howls like a hammer,
The night blows cold and rainy,
My love she's like some raven
At my window with a broken wing.
-- Bob Dylan, Love Minus Zero/ No Limit
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| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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8:11 pm
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i'm due to leave for camp, yet again, in less than an hours' time. nothing much to that statement, just being matter-of-fact, which is some virtue i find myself constantly lacking nowadays.
--
not being able to sleep, i spent the day blog-hopping. everybody seems to be living lives on adrenaline; the way their prose gallops on is just intriguing, whereas... i don't think that my life has lost any of its vigour (although it's necessarily constrained by the present context), but much of it is better left unsaid. any attempt to promulgate it is simply too taxing, and requires far too much navel-gazing introspection.
as they say, the kindest thing to do during a time of trouble, at least for yourself, is not to look back. not a troubled time, but it's turbulent.
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| Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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10:07 am
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sometimes i think rather fondly of the secondary school days, those days when i wrote fervently. for what end, i can't really tell. whatever i have left, whatever that wasn't destroyed by a random virus attack, just seems like a mere chronology of events; peppered with observations, thoughts, feelings, but always a chronology.
but what else is there to expect? when you cease to talk of events, you start dealing with the cognitive, and most of the time there is nothing much that can be said-- nothing that can be pure, as it would be in the mind. so we muck about in the frivolities, and we do that till we die.
--
interesting how things are turning out. went to kay hwee's for a class gathering, and was treated to 11 bottles of hard liquor. kh never ceases to amaze me-- i really wonder how that many bottles of liquor made it through the duty free counter, although he maintains he had some of his buddies give him their quota.
i could say that too for i-hui and conan, who did the most unsettling things under the iron grip of inebriation. thank goodness for flowerpots in the verandah, or we'd have to mop up vomit the next day. as kay hwee's flowerpots were of the large, porcelain, Chinese type, it did act as a suitable receptacle for i-hui's vomit, who (even after the hangover had passed) had the bare-faced cheek to maintain that the 11 gathered bottles 'was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen in his life'.
as if the proliferation of puke was not enough, our destructive inclinations led to the bursting of some water pipe, the leaking of the water into the mains, and the general shutdown of the power grid in the house. having been drowzy and therefore asleep for the past seven hours, i woke at eight to find the house in darkness and the room rather stuffy. a morose daniel then ran an account of where we were, what we did, and how we ended up like this. when he reached the bit about leaky pipes all around the house the tragicomedy bore heavily on my shoulders. i do agree with him that we've outgrown the house; but if we've outgrown kayhwee's, we've just about outgrown every other house we'd have the chance to go...
--
something once written should be treated with absolute fidelity, much like one would be loyal to a close friend. to write something, and then to disengage yourself from the intricacy of past assertion, is tantamount to betrayal; and we all know what happens to a traitor, he dies an ugly death.
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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6:56 am
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yes, it is official-- the only time i blog is when i am on duty in the ops room, and the only thing i blog into is livejournal, as starnet has fiendishly devised a method of removing the login buttons from blogspot itself. it is a stroke of genius, but it is for the wrong cause.
ergo, this blog shall be updated with the most inane entries (aptly reflecting my state of mind) approximately once a month. thus spells doom for my already dead blog. sigh.
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| Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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6:33 pm
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5:59 pm
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i daresay the only reason why i'm writing so much is because i'm presently in camp with nothing much to do, having exhausted my primary duties. it's rare that in the span of a single day you write more than what you would otherwise write over the course of 7 months. but i digress.
bloghopping yet again. somehow there's an innate need to find out more about how other people are doing, perhaps to be reassured (that your life is either very similar, or drastically different from theirs), or rather to feel as if there's a semblance of a bond between you and someone you once knew. the latter is highly ironic, i must add, but then again blogs were never primarily meant for privacy in the first place.
that you should write in an openly public diary signals that you, to a certain degree, want certain people to read it, and to know how you are doing, despite not always meeting up every week. almost an intention to flaunt, really, although 'flaunt' as a word is too heavy-handed; but emotions are rarely private, and one tends to share them with others at first chance... ergo the insufferability of the human condition, for only a tiny fraction of frustration, anger, sorrow or joy can be shared with the other man. Ultimately we go it alone, and in the dark, for most of the time the event itself perpetuates but a part of the emotion; emotion is refracted and amplified through time, and through thinking, and through wandering regret.
had a pleasant conversation with mrs teo, who i have not talked to for a really, really, REALLY long time. at least she still sounds like the mrs teo i used to know, which is very heartening; we shared a good joke about liu lao (like the good old days), and conceded that he'd probably remain single. of course one must acknowledge he has ample reason not to get married, and has made a strong case for his status, but ultimately one cannot help but giggle at him, for he is an living oxymoron of utter respectability and anti-romantic petulance.
back yesterday was sitting in my room for a bit drinking drambuie and looking rather listlessly at my cabinet, when i realised that, for all the good and blessed things i have experienced in life, i probably do deserve a lot more than just to get downgraded and fall out of training in the army. after all, as some cliched people like to repeat, life's never a bed of roses (although i don't understand; a bed of roses isn't the most comfortable thing i can... oh wait. ok. sorry i misunderstood), and it's time i get some thorn stuck up some uncomfortable part of my anatomy. and even so i've not been shortchanged; it's not an integral part of my life, it'll only last two years, and i'm learning things i would otherwise not learn while on the job. what's there to complain about? as long as i keep a sense of perspective, who and what can deny me my happiness and wisdom in life? so i go on, kind of comforted, and kind of ready to proceed on with my life.
current mood:  calm
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2:20 pm
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well ok i'm updating this journal because there's no way i can access blogspot at present; somehow or other, scarily enough, the 'logon' button familiar on the homepage of blogger refuses to load, and the enter function doesn't respond when i attempt to log in. it's a weird occurence, but well... perhaps it's just livejournal interfering with the blogger interface in a mad bid to get me to use them instead of other people. heh almost xenophobic remark.
but i'll go back to blogger. somehow that place makes me think more than here; and anyhow it's where the rather graver thoughts reside.
have been blogsurfing quite a lot recently, but i don't see the point of surfing blogs of people i haven't met or got to know. they distract rather than evoke.
everybody should be happily in camp at present; 'happily' is, definitely, a rather dry term to use, considering that today's a saturday and people are inside because they have been coerced by some overarching whimsy-- almost. the army's too methodical to be simply a whimsy; and anyhow, i somewhat agree that ocs cadets and sispec trainees have to stay in, at least for the first two weeks, to adapt and more importantly forget. when booking out seems almost like a 2 day 1 night to a foreign civilisation, people yearn and are grateful for every little pinch of time they can get; therefore you learn how precious the country is to you, and how you must defend it even within an inch of your own existence, for what is more fearful than being unable to return to something so prized and so remotely familiar?
it's perhaps too much for 18 year olds to stomach, but the most cynical of us are not cynical, and at the very least we can hope for another five decades of dreary existence. so we live, and live on, and live on, with those people who can tell what they will do in the future consistently more focused and happy than those who aren't very sure what exactly they will live for, and love, in the future. it is in this vein that everybody should find something and embrace something, whether sooner or later; it is an anchor in an otherwise increasingly tumultous life.
i have noticed, rather recently, that i cannot hold a coherent argument. I tend to drift about in my writings, as is evident above, and i don't want to hold to a consistent logic, for it forces my mind to work in ways unaccustomed and forgotten, despite having been trained to think for the A-Levels. A sheer sign of laziness, perhaps, which i hope to redeem before I go back to university. as far as i can tell, the academic rigour of my intended course of study will demand only the best writing from me, and i have to prepare myself for that upcoming challenge.
two years later, nonetheless, but it is coming, and i am looking forward to it. it will be a welcome change.
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12:04 pm
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have realised there's little need for me to hold on to two blogs, especially since there's little distinction between them; more importantly i have not had much opportunity to update either blog. self evidently there are less than enough entries to occupy half a blog, let alone one full blog.
ergo this will go. the other can be found at watergrove.blogspot.com, where it has been for quite a while already, quietly languishing i must say.
if i do find time or reason to write, i will.
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| Sunday, October 16th, 2005
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8:24 pm
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some songs can really transport me; talk about powerful, powerful lyrics.
'i'm just a poor boy though my story's still untold, and i've squandered my existence on a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises/ all lies in jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest...
when i left my home and my family i was no more than a boy, in the company of strangers, on the quiet of a railway station... laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters where the ragged people go, looking for the places only they will know...'
yeah, you know. it's a humbling and humble life so far divorced from what i'm going through right now, that in some senses i feel shortchanged in the department of human experience. that's a good thing, but having a real sense of the indifference of life could knock a sterner sense of maturity into me... compared to, you know, exam being the works and all. i know at present it should be the works, but i'm peering at my projected life beyond the exams, and i'd like to think that having four or three A-s has no bearing on both my life and my character. aside from not being able to go overseas, that is; but then? there's windings and stuff in life we'd never know, and i'd surrender my hand after putting it my best effort, i guess.
morrowind character level 52. grandmaster of fighter's guild, mage's guild, thieves' guild, Morag Tong and House Hlaalu, primate of the imperial cult, knight of the garland of the imperial order (yes yes i know its kinda lacklustre but it'll go up), and tons of other random things like clanfriend of the ashlanders and pilgrim of the temple and whatever else. as mingyong points out i should stop owning and start on a new character but heck! i like being able to kill off anybody i like with a simple character-created fireball of 100 damage over 5 seconds :P
wonderful rain today. torrential; lasted for five bloody hours; stopped my tennis plans, and therefore forced me to read international history, which i guess is a good thing, except that i haven't really read much, or more like whatever i've read i've not been able to digest. the normal story, you know; that which plagues every ordinary student three weeks before the finals. i'm kinda resigned; i've taken to sleeping with ambrose under my pillow. thus i revert to superstition.
going to sleep early tonight and then go to school tomorrow; i tend to study better in school.
current mood:  indifferent
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| Saturday, October 15th, 2005
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5:13 pm - all the random stuffing
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up to now, this weekend has been exhiliratingly useless. i have done half a maths paper and revised for robert frost, which is cheating really, since i've already memorised eight damn poems and no thank you i'm not going to do another; at least that was what i thought two hours ago.
having said that, nonetheless, i'm a hardworking little boy (for what concrete purpose, i have yet to discern), and i convinced myself that i should, erm, study the more self-critical and less conventional poems, like 'for once, then, something' and 'a serious step lightly taken'. turns out that the first poem is highly memorizable (though i can feel the words slipping away already) and the second useful simply because of the last stanza, which has the bit about the forty two presidents. easily contrasted against the 'unstoried, artless, unenhanced' conveyed in that other poem whose name has conveniently escaped me. so, yes, i'll add those to my repertoire, and go back to playing morrowind.
so many things are going on and so many problems are cropping up i hardly think it a fitting ending to an otherwise memorable year. frankly speaking, i'm just darned lucky i didn't get involved in any of this; it seems like an extremely, extremely, extremely trying situation to be caught up in.
had sophie over for studying on. erm. thursday, was it? yeah. wonderful girl; attacked my cds with an enthusiasm that could be construed as bloodlust against inanimate objects. nonetheless she did do solid work, while i tinkered with mrs pandian's notes on the nuclear arms race. i don't see the organisation, let alone the syllabus, of that particular topic; i don't think its a problem with the notes, it's just an extremely undefined topic, and the indistinguishable monikers for the missiles make it worse. till now i can't remember which came first, thor or jupiter-- the soviets, of course, make things a hecklot easier by naming them from ss 1 to ss 20. not to say it's much better, really, because it was either the ss 18 or ss 17 that started having mirvs, and er, was it the ss 6 that was not in production? whatever. it's irritating. it's like the time i told mr. kwok that gorbachev 'unilaterally upheld the partial nuclear test ban treaty'; i had the feeling he could roast me for my academic insolence.
yeah, and on a random note, soph and i walked to ghim moh; for what i don't know (what's new, eh), but it was a good walk. got a blister on my foot from stupid slippers, but you know, sometimes there's things beyond the book that's entirely worth living... and when i walked past this bungalow with a guy (topless, PLUS in army slacks, as soph acerbically noted) blasting the radio from his volkswagen beetle, the music swept my mind to faraway places; definitely, definitely, not towards the anderson jc paper i have promised myself to complete over the weekend.
well? so? all this will pass, and we might emerge all the better from it.
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| Friday, September 30th, 2005
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7:51 pm
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yeah, it's been rather stressful, and now's a good time to reflect on it all. i've gotten my prelim results back; nothing fantastic, but it's good. they're my results, and stupid as i am, i take pride in what i've achieved.
it's kinda hard not to get affected by the people telling me, in one way or another, that i haven't done as well as i should be, and only rightly so; academically, in contrast with the rest of my class, i guess i've not performed up to par. but then? i spent a few days telling myself this, and i guess i'm reconciled to it: it's just a set of results, and it's not in any sense the most important set of results. having gotten what i've got, my obligation is to accept, reflect, and press on. the shorter spent on mulling, the better; for one, mulling doesn't improve the grades, and secondly, harping on about results just alienates you from those, far more sensible, who have gotten worse results but nonetheless seek support to achieve better grades in the real thing.
and i know very well that i've not gotten the short end of it, in any sense. people have been more disappointed; people have put in far more work and deserve much more than they have received. if only for them, for the sake of fairness, i should go on.
running with mingyong is kinda strange, really. for one, recently, we haven't really run; today's run was more a walk-a-jogathon, and it was an abortive attempt at that. Not only did we run only 2 km out of 11, we spent most of the remainder talking. about everything; everything that we've shared between us. admittedly, not a lot, given we've known each other only for two years; yet it runs too deep. which might explain why the laughter overrides the words, and more time is spent in mirth than in dialogue.
he's correct; he was talking about some... sadness at the prospect of not having to go to school for formal lessons after two weeks. it's not really the future lack of lessons that's disturbing me, but the looming prospect of losing contact with people i've spent two solid years with. and, for all the ups and downs, the class has been a solid one. clever and witty, but seldom pretentious; logical, sensible, but never cold. on top of all that i daresay i've mixed with some of the best minds i'll ever have the fortune to know; the redoubtable and ever responsible rui min, the brilliant, sharp passion of yixun, the analytical and linguistic precision of ian, and the quiet devotion to hard work and rigour of both jen and mun. and, of course, some have never been as superb academically, but who needs a class full of clever people? the hearts of the class-- mel, ben, ling-- and, coincidentally, the comic geniuses like mingyong, jose, yeemeng and allen-- all... well. they make the class enjoyable. i won't say we're perfect; the ego shows now and then, but the insensitivity is not pervasive, thank goodness.
what can i say? perhaps but this: i'm honoured.
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| Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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12:31 pm
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it's definitely been a long while since i last updated this journal (yes, yes, i know, i'm sorry)--
but things have lost their colour, imperceptibly faded into the distance. and i knew it would; after the days of sikkim, after the vigour of cluster, after those semi-conclusions (of odacia, of the promethean ceremony)-- and then it really halts, and the exam machine starts grinding.
my studying does not have the rigour it's supposed to possess. Reading antony and cleopatra, silas marner and v. woolf cover to cover simply does not stick. a teflon mind is not a good thing to possess; i'd much rather the reminiscing i spend on past experiences be devoted to revision, but that's probably asking for too much.
parents are adamant about my being focused during the school holidays, as i have always been before during a big examination, but something tells me that this time it won't be that easy to just sit down, spurn all other thoughts, and study. with some luck it'll be ok.
nothing of the below has anything in particular to do with anybody, so don't misunderstand.
some things have become very, very different over the past year... i have become very disoriented (to the extent of sending andre a smiley when my parents said, emphatically, NO, no more hosting for now); i have started to lose my train of thought mid-sentence; in fact, i've started to forget things so easily that my organiser has become essential (and then again, i tend to forget to write things in my organiser), when last time it was simply a point of reference.
And... there's this niggling doubt in me; I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable in company, of trying to explain myself at the slightest misunderstanding. This fatigue that comes with standing in front of a group and saying, yes, i'll make the decision, let's do it this way, or being amongst a group of friends and attempting to reconcile various perspectives-- something eerily reminiscient of my refusal to have anything to do with leadership back during the secondary 2 annual camp. It's not that I don't want or like to lead, or that i don't like company; its that i don't want to be taken for granted, and also, that i'm not something dispensable. all too frequently i've found myself offering... standing invitations, as it were, to things that i'm not at all ready to commit to... not that anybody will really understand, really. i've almost given up. i tried explaining how i felt to some people and all they could say was oh you'll get over it it's teenage angst. of course, i couldn't scream screw off i know what teenage angst is like i went through it all in secondary school; but it's just the natural detachment between people, and the simplicity of words.
I'm going deeper into myself, which is a good thing; i'd much rather I not tell people what I really feel; sometimes it just all goes away if i leave it for a while. And anyway it's not like people don't already have their own problems.
Man is social, but society is an inevitable, necessary burden. In sticking to the herd man is only attempting to shift his mortal weight such that it squares on many other people... along with himself. I guess. I can never be sure of myself, not even for the most simple things.
current mood:  pensive
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| Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
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7:57 pm
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long ago and not so far away
i fell in love with you before the second show
spent the morning being a total wretched fuckup (which is quite rare-- i'm usually not that extreme), then resolved to resolve the matter somehow, then spent the entire of my day doing english, sleeping, and weights.
wrote in my chinese journal. my chinese is going to waste. so is my japanese, but i'll try to brush it up as and when i can.
I need to train for napfa. need to find other people to train with me too; i need the motivation. if anything i'll just whip myself into one of those machines that i once was back in china-- that's easy, i've done it before. just don't question and do it.
i know i've been a dismal brat for the past few weeks, but i swear i've never felt worse than today. its the grey areas that get one down the most.
listened to maroon five today.
if i fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause i've been in love before
and i know that love is more
than just holding hands
and then i thought, how true. and sure enough the tears started brimming.
current mood:  drained
current music: The Sun-- Maroon 5
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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8:50 pm
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i think i won't talk about that ever again. the best homage is silence.
econs is a tiring thing. got indigestion yesterday, couldn't go to school today, did odac stuff in the morning, sat down to econs in the afternoon, did it all the way until now, and i haven't even finished. problem being that i have no idea how to define the word 'issues', and every time i try a different angle it ends up overlapping with the other questions, that ray and kay hwee are doing, so well... no wonder its only supposed to be 500 words long. but nonetheless its a pain in the arse.
commons aren't good. but i have more things to worry about.
things i'm going to do:
1) buy earplugs (for studying)
2) keep writing with my left hand (which, surprisingly, is quite receptive)
3) finish that bloody chapter by mcpherson and hausman on efficiency and equity
4) start on history s essay
5) finish econs s and lay that soul to rest
6) say goodbye to odac, soon
7) get off this computer
current mood:  full
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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8:07 pm
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contrary to everything, its not getting better. i only believe that i'm doing the right thing but it's constantly, constantly making me feel somethings totally wrong.
i have no chance to speak. but then again, if i was given a chance, what would i say? everythings wrong, and it seems that everything which is wrong lies with me.
i'm leaving it be. i have no idea what to do. i have no idea.
there's something i want sometime-- no it's not the history essay, i'm not that sick-- its to sit down, put a pen to paper, and actually feel something other than contrived ranting flow from the mind. its hard, but if i could do it, i guess i would have something substantial to say.
i'm going to continue my chinese diary. its been left there for a long time-- i find it easier to express in chinese than in english. no restrictions? perhaps, but then again.
current mood:  crushed
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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9:09 pm
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thanks chell and oh-san =) the former for the sms, the latter for... well, saying the obvious. sometimes its just that people bother to leave notes, and that matters the most.
mr tan gave me a book today, ostensibly to thank me for helping out with the colours award ceremony. was kinda weird, i didn't do much, and it was a thirty minute ceremony only anyway. but nonetheless, read the first three chapters of the book on the bus on the way home, and found out it was certainly a book that mr tan would buy. plot synopsis as follows:
1) rich idealistic boy graduates from university.
2) goes looking for a way of living in the deep alaskan outback.
3) dies.
i mean, i would have expected something much more uplifting, but here i am with a morbidly fascinating book talking about the noble aspirations one might have as an independent forest-trekker-cum-tramp and how in the end it just rends lives asunder. and not only the guy, mind you, but the family and friends too.
on another note, its the second outdoorsy book i've gotten from someone-- the other was an overly cheerful book called 'a walk in the woods' by bill bryson that talked about (of all things) trekking on the appalachian trail (which certainly is not a walk in the woods). and coincidentally, that book was also given by a pe teacher-- miss poon, who is now in cedar. wonder how she's getting on. =)
mr low got called up for reservists training. i wonder what commando training for reservists is like. yusrina in a passing comment said that mr low was the most innocent man she knew. that left me very, very disturbed.
this entry is degenerating into an entry on pe teachers.
liu lao has just asked whether i would like anything from times-- he has twenty percent off, apparently. as a guilty parasite feeding off the charity of others i felt totally compelled to reject his offer, and anyways, i have tons of noam chomsky and risorgimento readings to do before i should attempt tackling another of those random books.
current mood:  listless
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| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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5:30 pm
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i'll be going home, someday, and my going home will be the only thing to look forward to, from an institution that affords no love. some things never change; some things change too drastically to adapt. sometimes, what you have to give is simply what you cannot afford to give.
every minute saps the life out of me. 6 in the morning till 2 in the morning everyday, and no, not on computer games. mei's correct when she says she doesn't get snuffed out so easily, but then again, she has the energy to resist being snuffed out. i don't, i don't bother anymore. i'm bitter about that.
fighting hard for that goal and in the end what if the goal isn't what it seems to be?
fighting for somewhere where caring isn't necessary, a classroom without the sensitivity, just four walls and a voice telling you to go on and get some.
i need to sleep. and perhaps, just perhaps, i need to go somewhere else.
current mood:  numb
current music: Home Again -- Carole King
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3:16 pm
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i think i should update my journal.
everything has been whirling past. i've been spending the past week up all night doing work after work after work. refused to go to school today because of the overload of work-- taking a brief respite now, ten minutes off the proposals, position papers, readings and resolutions.
J2 life seems like a more intense form of normal, made painful, made sour by something that i need to change soon. my heart against my mind.
current mood: melancholy
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| Friday, November 19th, 2004
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8:10 am - leaving
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sometimes there are people existing beyond the periphery of our imagination. existing, mind you-- more specifically, surviving within the tentative state straddling life and death.
i shall hold witness.
upcoming 25 days of experience.
(you can only imagine before you experience. that much is certain. after all, what can you conceive of blurred nights, broken streetlamps, a turgid biting winter? of men and women and the recurring cold, and nothing else but that lingering deception called hope?)
cast aside that helplessness that is the futility of the individual.
i hope i do experience. and thereafter shake myself into emotion.
current mood:  grateful
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| Monday, November 15th, 2004
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8:13 pm - that countdown that spurs and awakens
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shopping for winter gear is flabbergasting. long johns cannot be easily procured because of a personal allergy towards wool-- i have unearthed some polyester ones from john little, thank god. that limits my shopping to dri-fit shirts and a beeg jacket, which i will probably buy from the outdoor shop.
which reminds me, i need to conclude outdoor sales like, by thursday. AND QUICK. sigh this is driving me nuts.
the anticipation is building up, but there's tons of stuff to do before i go. homework notwithstanding. perhaps i should just surrender and plead for an extension with rolly-- i'm sure he's understanding enough given sufficient notice. sigh. sometimes there's only so much one can do. two reviews and an essay each day, apparently, isn't enough. especially since a term paper takes more than one week to do properly.
current mood:  busy
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ephermalite's journal
Dear Santa...
bored